"I saw it! Ask anyone! ...except her. Don't ask her."
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"To be edible, is to be possible to be consumed. And to be living, is to consume. Thus we find that the nature of the unliving is to be consumed. In fact, therefore, anything that is not living may be consumed - "[1]
With the Sun blocked off by a mile of dirt, the Neath has developed its own cuisine of delicacies and comestibles that are both similar and different from their Surface counterparts. Good Surface-food is in high demand down here, and is considered a luxury; it can be harvested in Aestival (good luck making it there, though) or be imported by the upper class.
Nightmare-plagued individuals in the Mirror-Marches may be tempted by somewhat, well, nightmarish fruit: decadent, Surface-fruit-like plums, grapes, and cherries. Yum... until you choke on an expanding grapeseed. Or gorge on plums for an entire day, your hunger never sated.
But there's no need to worry about unreality; for now, feel free to browse our menu of the Neath's Finest!
Since greens are rather rare down here in the Neath, mushrooms and other fungi are often used as a substitute. Fungi can be made into spore-toffees, something resembling vegetables, or even wine. Of note are the delicious Mr Murgatroyd's Fungal Crackers.
But if you crave something more luxurious, we have those in plenty as well. Cooked according to the Apicius Club's secret recipes, we offer 'Slippery Jack' - strips of dark brown fungus glistening with oil (don't let its plain look fool you - it tastes amazing),[2]'Plums and Custard' - purple tops and bright yellow gills in a creamy white sauce (avoid eating too much though; these can be indigestive),[3] and 'Golden Topper' - slender stalks and golden cups, lightly fried in a Greyfields sauce.[4][5]Peppercup. Very spicy
If you're looking for something bizarre and new, try Peppercaps. Those mushrooms are the only thing grown on Upper River farms, and they are as wild as the Hinterlands themselves. Approach them with corresponding caution: bite a small piece first, to know how spicy one you have really is. Just one of these can't poison you, but the hottest are... quite unpleasant. [6][7]
Murgatroyd's Jellied Mushroom Cakes
The NEW INVENTION, delightful and astonishing - Murgatroyd's Jellied Mushroom CakesⒸ! Deliciously flaky, gorgeously sweet, delicate layer of mushroom jam smeared on a cake, with special Murgatroyd's cream on top. And it totally has nothing in common with Murgatroyd's Fungal Crackers, even if it looks so, and the mushroom is totally not mold, even if it is furry. Claiming otherwise would bring down all 9 circles of Baseborn and Fowlingpiece's legal hell upon you. [8]
Dark-Dewed Cherries
Fresh fruit in the Neath! These restorative beauties are harvested from the Elder Continent. They can be used to brew liqueurs; the Capering Relicker loves them.
Chertapples
A rather unusual type of apple from the Elder Continent, which still provides satiety despite its unimpressive and earthy taste. It has a strengthening effect on body, will, and spirit, but can be detrimental in situations of uncertainty, or in very large quantities. After all, the strengthening is literal, and can make one rather... stony.
Solacefruit
A somewhat different variety of cherry, solacefruit are parasitic fruit that grow on trees in the Wisp-Ways. Best eaten in small quantities, as eating larger amounts of this fruit is one of the nicest ways to die.
Zzoup
Zzoup is the preferred food among zailors. The colour: old blood on snow. The taste: paprika, mushrooms, irony. The recipe: winewound chanterelles, exile's rose, paprika, pork stock, lament-onions, hanged men's tears, and some salt[9].
Incorruptible Biscuits
The magnificent creation of London's most sophisticated bakers. For some reason, these biscuits simply can't go stale. Capricious gourmands could say that their taste is tolerable at best, but let's be honest: these are VINTAGE, just like your favorite wine. Our Incorruptible Biscuits might even predate the Fall! [10]
Meat
Well, actual human hearts aren't consumed down here (usually); even we have standards! Then again, the mystery meat that's peddled by Mr Hearts and some devils over at Dante's Grill is quite suspect.
Rubbery Lumps
According to Mrs Plenty: "Alarming beasts dredged up from the Unterzee, hit on the head, chopped up and fried in batter. Two hours from trawler to newspaper wrapping. Luvverly. No Rubbery Man content whatever. Guaranteed by Mr Hearts, so it is."
Plenty's rubbery lumps are pale imitations of the genuine stuff over at Mutton Island (though her pies still, somehow, keep for weeks). Don't say that to her face, though.
Zeefood
A group of commissioned zailors bring us their latest catches from the Unterzee. Is it edible? You should probably ask them.
Mutersalt
Gathered from the Pale Wastes, mutersalt tastes like clean air and crystallized ginger. It's been used by several famous (or merely lavish) chefs of the Neath, like the Brisk Campaigner and the Bandaged Poissonnier, but it's also useful to Urchins like Slivvy. It can paralyze one's vocal cords if consumed, and stings like Hell's nettles if it gets in your eyes.
Sausage About Which No One Complains
Exotic for Londoners, these sausages came a long way from the Hinterlands, the hostile region between London and Hell. There are no animals to hunt, and yet those sausages are regularly produced and sold to locals. And their taste leaves everyone literally speechless. This has nothing to do with the box of mutersalt nearby. Rumors about strings and rat tails found within the sausage are entirely exaggerated. Just ask anyone who's tried it![11]
Tyrant's Treat
Hungry for something exotic, are we? I suppose it's worth bringing up "Tyrant's Treat," then, made from newly hunted Tyrant-Moths. We swear it's healthy. No, it's not rotten; the shipment from Whither came just this morning. Hold your breath, and then take a bite. I'll put a bucket right here, in case of, ah, unforeseen troubles. The janitor already has so much work to do. [12]
Parabolan Orange-apples
This highly toxic hybrid fruit grows only from a single tree in Parabola. Don't eat the pips. Or the green bits. Or the zest. Eat only the part of the fruit that isn't angry about things that happened while it was still a flower. That's the only safe part.
Beverages
Hesperidean Cider
"WHOSO THIRSTETH AND DRINKETH OF THIS, SO SHALL HE NEVER DIE."[13]
Ah, the drink of immortality. What's that? You want our Firkin of Hesperidean Cider? That'll be 160000.00 Echoes, thank you. You can sample a small sip though.
A coveted brew of caffeine that acts a powerful, and one might even say explosive, restorative. The Leopard loves this in particular. Coffee lovers in Vienna are also quite fond of it. Don't tell them it's brewed from bat guano, though; that's just another of Mr Wines' jokes... [14]
Hard Drinks
The Neath has many, many, varieties of alcoholic drinks. The most popular are the Greyfields mushroom wines; Mr Wines also made a few drinks of its own, though we aren't liable for your actions under their influence.
Airag is a valuable Fourth City beverage, made of fermented mares' milk, and tomb-colonists drink something called dustwine that's said to taste like roses and make one's mind flip itself over.[15] That being said, it's more like a dust than a liquid.
Strangling Willow Absinthe
Ah, someone with refined taste. This is Strangling Willow Absinthe, a popular beverage[16] among bohemians and anyone looking to liven up bland salons.[17] While it hardly has any connection to the willow tree (there are hardly any trees down here, after all), its name isn't for naught. The thing about Strangling Willow is that it is animate beyond reason. If left alone, it can easily escape any ordinary bottle, and you don't want to let it run around.[18] It might jump off your spoon, or start to wiggle in your throat. We have a few bottles right over there, and I really insist you take at least one as a present.[19]
Black Wings Absinthe
An exotic and cryptic drink manufactured by Mr Wines. This night-black alcohol smells of wormwood and leather, and seems to move on its own.[20] While avoided by most of Fallen London's sane public, it is exceptionally popular among hunters who wish to kill the Vake. This absinthe grants hallucinogenic visions: of distant stars, of endless open space that stretches in all directions, of flight in the middle of the night.[21] It also makes the unfortunate drinker run around the city in a cloak like a maniac. Good thing you won't remember that after it wears off.[22]
Even more sinister and rare is a new variant of this brew - Black Wings Absinthe Nouveau. Not much is known about it, but it has a deep scarlet color, and even the most daring hunters are best advised to avoid it.[23]
Jasmine Tea
Tea is common in the Neath. But this tea is not the ordinary stuff that street vendors offer to the undemanding public. Only the finest and the highest quality tea leaves are used to brew our magnificent tea. Our shipper says that the jasmine was gathered in the Elder Continent itself! ...Or did he say the Surface? Regardless of origin, it is the best and most remarkable tea you could find here. [24] Except for...
Lethean Tea
This is a very special tea, said to be steeped in the waters of the river Lethe. It has an amnesic effect... so would anyone recall how it tastes?[25]
It's admittedly a bit strange to see this glimmering coral in tea, considering it is primarily used in jewelry and as an analogue of tobacco snuff. But it is indeed used in tea, and it is terribly expensive.
