"To be edible, is to be possible to be consumed. And to be living, is to consume. Thus we find that the nature of the unliving is to be consumed. In fact, therefore, anything that is not living may be consumed - "[1]
With the Sun blocked off by a mile of dirt, the Neath has developed its own cuisine of delicacies and comestibles that are both similar and different from their Surface counterparts. Good Surface-food is in high demand down here and is considered a luxury; it can be harvested in Aestival (good luck making it there though) or be imported by the upper class.
Nightmare-plagued individuals in the Mirror-Marches may be tempted by somewhat, well, nightmarish fruit: decadent, Surface-fruit-like plums, grapes, and cherries. Yum... until you choke on an expanding grapeseed. Or gorge on plums for an entire day, your hunger never sated.
But there's no need to worry about unreality; for now, feel free to browse our menu of the Neath's Finest!
Since greens are rather rare down here in the Neath, mushrooms and other fungi are often used as a substitute. Fungi can be made into spore-toffees, something resembling vegetables, or even wine. Of note are the delicious Mr Murgatroyd's Fungal Crackers.
But if you crave something more luxurious - we have those in plenty as well. Cooked according to the Apicius Club's secret recipes, we offer 'Slippery Jack' - strips of dark brown fungus glistening with oil (don't let its plain look fool you - it tastes amazing),[2]'Plums and Custard' - purple tops and bright yellow gills in a creamy white sauce (avoid eating too much though, these can be indigestive),[3] and 'Golden Topper' - slender stalks and golden cups, lightly fried in a Greyfield sauce.[4][5]
Murgatroyd's Jellied Mushroom Cakes
The NEW INVENTION, delightful and astonishing - Murgatroyd's Jellied Mushroom CakesⒸ! Deliciously flaky, gorgeously sweet, delicate layer of mushroom jam smeared on a cake, with special Murgatroyd's cream on top. And it totally has nothing in common with Murgatroyd's Fungal Crackers, even if it looks so, and mushroom is totally not a mould, even if it is furry on touch. Claiming otherwise would bring all 9 circles of Baseborn&Fowlingpiece's law hell. [6]
Dark-Dewed Cherries
Fresh fruit in the Neath! These restorative beauties are harvested from the Elder Continent. They can be used to brew liqueurs; the Capering Relicker loves them.
Chertapples
A rather unusual type of apple from the Elder Continent, which still provides satiety despite its unimpressive and earthy taste. It has a strengthening effect on body, will, and spirit, but can be detrimental in situations of uncertainty, or in very large quantities. After all, the strengthening is literal, and can make one rather... stony.
Solacefruit
A somewhat different variety of cherry, solacefruit are parasitic fruit that grow on trees in the Wisp-Ways. Best eaten in small quantities, as eating larger amounts of this fruit is one of the nicest ways to die.
Zzoup
Zzoup is the preferred food among zailors. The colour: old blood on snow. The taste: paprika, mushrooms, irony. The recipe: winewound chanterelles, exile's rose, paprika, pork stock, lament-onions, hanged men's tears, and some salt[7].
Incorruptible Biscuits
The magnificent creation of London's most sophisticated bakers. For an unknown reason, those biscuits just couldnt go off. Yes, capricious gourmands could say that their taste is tolerable at best, but lets be honest: those are VINTAGE, just like your favourite vine. And I assure you, our Incorruptible Biscuits might even predate the fall! [8]
Meat
Okay, actual human hearts aren't consumed down here (usually); even we have standards! Then again, the mystery meat that's peddled by Mr Hearts and some devils over at Dante's Grill is quite suspect.
Rubbery Lumps
According to Mrs Plenty: "Alarming beasts dredged up from the Unterzee, hit on the head, chopped up and fried in batter. Two hours from trawler to newspaper wrapping. Luvverly. No Rubbery Man content whatever. Guaranteed by Mr Hearts, so it is."
Plenty's rubbery lumps are pale imitations of the genuine stuff over at Mutton Island (though her pies still, somehow, keep for weeks). Don't say that to her face, though.
Zeefood
A group of commissioned zailors bring us their latest catches from the Unterzee. Is it edible? You should probably ask them.
Mutersalt
Gathered from the Pale Wastes, mutersalt tastes like clean air and crystallized ginger. It's been used by several famous (or merely lavish) chefs of the Neath, like the Brisk Campaigner and the Bandaged Poissonnier, but it's also useful to Urchins like Slivvy. It can paralyze one's vocal cords if consumed, and stings like Hell's nettles if it gets in your eyes.
Hungry for something exotic, are we? I suppose it's worth bringing up "Tyrant's Treat," then. We swear it's healthy. No, it's not rotten; the shipment from Whither came just this morning. Hold your breath, and then take a bite. I'll put a bucket right here, in case of, ah, unforeseen troubles. The janitor already has so much work to do. [9]
Parabolan Orange-apples
This highly toxic hybrid fruit grows only from a single tree in Parabola. Don't eat the pips. Or the green bits. Or the zest. Eat only the part of the fruit that isn't angry about things that happened while it was still a flower. That's the only safe part.
Beverages
Hesperidean Cider
"WHOSO THIRSTETH AND DRINKETH OF THIS, SO SHALL HE NEVER DIE."
Ah, the drink of immortality. What's that? You want our Firkin of Hesperidean Cider? That'll be 160000.00 Echoes, thank you. You can sample a small sip though.
A coveted brew of caffeine that acts a powerful, and one might even say explosive, restorative. The Leopard loves this in particular. Coffee lovers in Vienna are also quite fond of it. Don't tell them it's brewed from bat guano, though; that's just another of Mr Wines' jokes... [10]
Hard Drinks
The Neath has many, many, varieties of alcoholic drinks. The most popular are the Greyfields mushroom wines. Mr Wines also made a few drinks of its own, though we aren't held accountable for the things you may do under their influence.
Airag is a valuable Fourth City beverage, made of fermented mares' milk, and tomb-colonists drink something called dustwine that's said to taste like roses and make one's mind flip itself over.[11] That being said, it's more like a dust than a liquid.
Jasmine Tea
Tea is common in the Neath. But this tea is not your ordinary tea that street vendors offer to the undemanding public. Only the finest and the highest quality tea leaves are used to brew our magnificent tea. Our shipper says that the jasmine was gathered in the Elder Continent itself! ...Or did he meant the Surface? Regardless of origin, it is the best and most remarkable tea you could find here. [12] Except for...
This is a very special tea, said to be steeped in the waters of the river Lethe. It has an amnesic effect... so would anyone recall how it tastes?[13]
Scintillack
It's admittedly a bit strange to see this glimmering coral in tea, considering it is primarily used in jewelry and as an analogue of tobacco snuff. But it is indeed used in tea, and it is terribly expensive.
